stringray

Travel & Food

The 8 Fucking Worst Things That Can Kill You in Australia

13 Jul , 2015  

Australia is a beautiful place- it’s got beaches, great people, a shit ton of land, coral reefs dying at a terrifying rate, really, really expensive booze, and a fuck ton of shit that will straight up murder your ass between grilling shrimp barbies.

You know why there’s never been a land war in Australia? Because it’s a continent filled with the boorish offspring of criminals and more poisonous snakes than dicks on a basketball team. I’m not kidding, 21 of the 25 species of snakes that will merc your ass with venom live in Australia and there’s probably not 21 dicks on a basketball team unless like somebody on the team has some terrible disease where they’ve got dicks on their fingers, but if that was true, there’s no way he’d be good at basketball because like 90% of the time his fingers are just going to be wet noodles but then if he’s ever aroused it would be like trying to carry a watermelon with chopsticks.

But that isn’t the point. Too much dick talk. This is about all the murderous demon creatures that live Downunder. None of them have dicks for fingers but they’re still scary as shit.

 

8. Stingrays

stringray

https://en.wikipedia.org

Stingrays will fuck you up, man. Steve Irwin, rest in piece, knew this, especially when he had the goddam 8 inch sting ray barb through his chest. A lot of people will tell you that stingrays are generally docile animals, and they’re right, but they’re docile animals with tails that you wouldn’t be allowed on an airplane with.

7. Sydney Funnel Web Spider

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sydney_funnel-web_spider

https://en.wikipedia.org

You know how there’s an ass load of snakes that will turn you to a crippled ball of ooze, decomposing inside your own skin sack prison? Same thing with spiders. A Sydney Funnel Web Spider is on some pretty heinous shit. Their bodies are only 1 – 5 cm long, which is pretty tiny, but think of it as some sort of sick nature joke where you find out you’ve been killed by something the size of 3 tic tacs. What’s even worse is these angry little motherfuckers can live underwater. Not for very long, but, like, not for a short time either. By living off the air bubbles that collect around their hair follicles, Sydney Funnel Web Spiders can live FULLY IMMERSED for up to 24 hours, all of them being potential opportunities for you to get the shit bitten out of you. And when that happens, god forbid, good luck getting it off, these shits do not let go and need to be physically removed even after they’re done pumping neurotoxin into your bloodstream.

6. Stone Fish

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synanceia

https://en.wikipedia.org

Oh, what’s a fish gonna do? Gill me to death? No man, not this fish, this fish will necrotize your flesh like nobody’s business. It probably won’t even want to. It’s just gonna be in the mud, doing stone fish shit, and then you’re gonna be tromping around the shallows like a goddam maniac after a few too many Fosters and then, BOOM, you’re gonna step on it and its barbed spine will penetrate your skin and then you’re fucked. That’s how dangerous Australia is, these fish don’t even have to be trying to harm you and you can still die. Or maybe you heard about these guys and said “nah im good” and stayed out of water. DOESN’T MATTER. Stone fish are like reverse Sydney Funnel Web Spiders because they can live on land for up to a goddam day.

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Walter Blake Knoblock By  -    
Walter Blake Knoblock is a lot of things. Follow him on twitter @WBKnoblock and on