Ten Dolphin Obituaries

11 Feb , 2013  

Syndicated from the Atlantis Sun-Ocean World Daily.



Kik-Kik died this Wednesday from wounds sustained during a routine excursion to the shady side of the Coral Reef, where the rough trade is. Kik-Kik was looking up and down at a rough, sturdy one when a sharp piece of coral punctured his skin, like a flawless patch of thick silver leather shorn by a rock blade.



eeeaaauggGGHH was a beloved wife, mother, sister and aunt to dozens of marine mammals who “are found worldwide, mostly in the shallower seas of the continental shelves, and are carnivores, eating mostly fish and squid. Dolphins are among the most intelligent animals, and their often friendly appearance, an artifact of the “smile” of their mouthline, and seemingly playful attitude have made them very popular in human culture.” (wikipedia verbatim)


Leonard Wilberstein-Goldplatz

Leonard Wilberstein-Goldplatz, better known to millions as TV’s Flipper, died recently in his spacious, palatial aquarium home in Hollywood, California. Coming from a working-class background, a young Goldplatz was told by his agent to change his name in order to get more acting work. He died alone, surrounded by old memorabilia and laminated newspaper clippings about himself.


Nanoo The Star Wanderer

Nanoo The Star Wanderer died yesterday, after engaging in a telepathic seance with a smattering of insufferable hippies up and down the west coast for over 10 hours. Nanoo was channeling intergalactic love and harmony when he was overcome with bad vibes and bit it hard, man. Nanoo is survived by TruBliss, his human-mind surrogate, and their shared lover, Steffy.



Thok-Ur, a Dolphin high-priest warrior, died late last week when he swam into the side of a ferry.



Rebecca, a dolphin with a pretty lady’s name, passed away on Saturday. In lieu of flowers, please send a donation to the Palestinian Freedom Coalition.



Ihy-Sooluron died yesterday after succumbing to his decade long addiction to fermented kelp. After trying to “fit in” and get a “buzz” during his formative years, Ihy-Sooluron, had to find more and more intense and dangerous strains of the mind altering fermented kelp, known to teens as “Sea Weed”, or “Flounder’s Lament”, in order to avoid painful withdrawals. His overdose serves as a sad reminder the dangers of Drugs. Remember, kids, when some stranger wants you to “tune in” and “get off”, just sway your fleshy beak disapprovingly.


Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs, who died Oct 5th, 2011, was a dolphin.



Tuna, a god-damned Dolphin named Tuna, got caught a couple hours ago in a god-damned tuna net. He’s a goner for sure.



EEK EEEK EEEK EEK EEKEEE EEKKEEE, known for his distinct shrieking noises, was killed last week when he was caught in bed with another man’s wife. He was hiding in the closet, but was given away by his unique and , that sounded like EEK EEEKK EEKKKEEE EEEKEE EEK EEK. He was ruthlessly gunned down upon asking the woman’s husband if “maybe he’d like to get weird” and then motioned to the bed he and the woman laid in. Much like his name and in accordance with his will and as an extension of his lifelong passion for things that go both ways, this obituary was written as a palindrome.

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Matt Gulley By
Matt Gulley is a mutant orangutan, escaped from a Soviet testing facility. Follow him @GulleyOfOne