Sometimes men need to discuss things. Important things like “why is this better than that” or “which of these two fictional characters would win in a fight?”. That’s what Paul and Blake do. They talk about the stuff that needs to be talked about. Today they discuss Pancakes vs Waffles.
I’d like to start by saying that I have been deeply disappointed by the cheap and tawdry way that the Waffle Party has conducted its campaign. Breakfast in America has never been so partisan, and if we as a meal are going to withstand the growing threat of Brunch, we must elevate our level of discourse. Also, I found the proponents of waffle’s comments to about Aunt Jemima to be very racially insensitive.
But, back to the issues.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the warm fluffy center of the issue is this: Waffles are the cooked batter of the 1%, pancakes are, and always have been, the breakfast of the People. While the Wall Street fat-cats cook sweetened bread on their fancy corporate Waffle-irons, we here at the proud Party of Pancakes cook our breakfast the way our fore-fathers did, on whatever’s nearby, flat, and conducts heat. A simple breakfast, for simple, salt of the earth people. Do you think the Pilgrims had waffle irons? How about those brave folk who conquered the old West? No. They took a break from hammering out horseshoes and cooked their pancakes right on the anvil.
**Breaks for Applause**
But do not mistake me my friends. This is not an issue of class, this is an issue of Freedom (echoes “freedom”). The Waffle Party will say that their indentations make them a better vehicle for butter and syrup. They will actually try and convince you that this tyranny is in your best interest. I implore you, dear friends, do not allow the Big Waffle propaganda machine to sway you. Let that sweet, warm, patriotic syrup soak right in. Let it get all over your hands, damn-it. We are Americans; we can handle the messiness!
You see, pancake eaters are the heart and soul of this country. We are the innovators, the entrepreneurs. We’re the people who roll up our sleeves and get the work done. We’re the ones who keep eating, even after we’ve realized that no human person could possibly need a Tall Stack. Even after we feel physically ill, and frankly, we don’t want to ever see a pancake again, we keep eating. Because, you see, Pancake eaters are Dreamers…
Lastly, and I hate to even bring it up, but you do know where waffles come from. They come from Belgium. That’s right, Belgium. That’s in Europe. You know where World War I and II started… don’t you?
First of all, I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time with this. What type of inbred mongoloid actually prefers pancakes to waffles? What sort of sick childhood did you have where your youthful environment somehow lead you to believe that glorified pieces of bread were actually as something to be desired? Did your step-dad beat you with a sack of bisquick? Is that what it was? I mean, honestly, when it gets down to it, you basically have to be a complete moron to honestly think that pancakes are better. Why? Okay, dummy, I’ll entertain you,
1. Surface area. We all know that breakfast foods are merely vehicles for sugar to be transported and there is like 100 times as much surface area on a waffle as there is a pancake, meaning 100 times more space for syrup to be absorbed/shoved into your mouth. The second half of the word “pancake” might be a delicious treat, but don’t get it twisted, waffles are vastly superior when it comes to potential sugar consumption.
2. Eggos. Can you buy pancakes that you can cook in a toaster? My remedial google search says no. I typed in “toaster pancakes” and all I found was a few blog posts from moms about how you can spend your entire morning making “cute little treats” that go “wonderful with chevre and strawberry jam”. I don’t even know what chevre is. A second remedial google search has taught me that chevre is bougie goat cheese. Gross. Waffles are better because you can pop them in the toaster during your fifteen free minutes between when you wake up and when you drive half-asleep to work and nobody is going to expect you to slather stuff that comes out of a goat on them.
3. Turgidity. There is nothing more emasculating than tossing around a basket of floppy pancakes. Waffles are crunchy and have all the structural integrity you need to start your day off right. If you are what you eat, what would you rather be? A limp disc of dough, or a hard waffle? I think the answer is pretty obvious (hard waffle).
4. Texture. Waffles are delicious and crisp while pancakes have a soft and spongy consistency, not very unlike fungus. I would go as far to say that having pancakes in the morning is the closest thing you can do to going out in woods and scraping the first brownish-orange stuff you see growing on the side of a tree onto a plate. Did you know that pancakes can also asexually reproduce? Sounds fishy to me…
5. Paul likes them. He’s the other guy writing in this article, and have you seen him? Ask yourself, do you really want to be associated with Paul? One time I saw him push an old lady down some stairs. I’m not even kidding. Paul pushes old ladies down stairs! People who eat pancakes push old ladies down stairs!
There it is. I think I’ve made my case. If you choose pancakes over waffles, you are most likely an impotent loser who likes to eat sugarless random stuff they find in the woods and tries to kill old ladies. Don’t sound so good now, do they? No, I didn’t think so. Maybe sometime when you figure out what’s what, you can come over and hang out with me and my eggo bros. We have a hot tub filled with syrup