Obama’s “crazy”, “sexy”, “crazy sexy”, plan to eliminate the deficit.
President Barack Obama made rhetorical history at the notoriously useless State of the Union address last Tuesday, introducing an economic stimulus plan that will eliminate the deficit by St. Patrick’s Day and free the American people from imminent indentured servitude to China.
Obama began the speech with much-needed criticism of politics-as-usual: “What do Congress’ approval ratings, the train platform in Harry Potter, and my d–k have in common?
“Nine and three-quarters.”
Once Vice President Joe Biden ceased snapping his fingers, yelling “Oh, dayum!” and attempting to beatbox, the President entered the hallowed hall of rhetorical genius graced by such men as Martin Luther King, Jr., John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Pericles, the guy who ran against Abraham Lincoln, and Charles Barkley.
“I would like to now ask Megan Fox to join me on stage and my vice-president to begin distributing the Shamrock glasses,” the President said with the sweetness of a yellow-breasted warbler and the authority of a Pterodactyl.
The POTUS named Fox, best known for her role as Shia Labeouf’s sister in the Disney Channel original series Even Stevens and her supporting role in every man’s fantasy of her boobs, as his chief economic adviser Upon revealing her belief in the existence of Leprechauns, Fox immediately topped Obama’s short list for the position.
“A brief interview in which she revealed known Leprechaun hideouts and an anatomically accurate tattoo-portrait of the magical Irishmen across her bum confirmed that Ms. Fox is the only person for this job,” Obama said really unnecessarily loudly.
A source said Obama initially was hesitant to bring Fox on board for fear she may still be “heavily influenced” by the “cooky ideology” of former mentor, Michael Bay. Fox reportedly assured the President she hasn’t spoken to that “robowanker” since Bay wrote Fox out of the Transformers 2 script in the middle of intercourse with her.
The President then called on each and every American to voluntarily, in obedience to an Executive Order he signed 10 minutes before the speech, don a pair of Shamrock glasses and capture the poorly-endowed creatures invisible to the naked eye. Urgency, he added, is of utmost importance as Leprechaun activity heightens in the weeks preceding St. Patrick’s Day.
The drone campaign, he added, can now be declassified in light of this new plan, as the drone-targeted Middle East is believed to harbor Leprechauns and, more importantly, vast stores of their gold.
“There’s no knowing that the children killed in the strikes weren’t actually Leprechauns in disguise and that their deaths haven’t left our one hope in overcoming the deficit unguarded,” Obama said.
Experts say that rarely, if ever, has a President of the United States so boldly pursued action to ensure the independence and prosperity of the nation. Surely, this landmark speech has put America on the right side of history – as surely as Fox’s new position has added an important new dimension to the American political pants-scape.