Uncategorized

Manti Te’o dated a fake girl for 8 months then killed her off: what this means for you.

17 Jan , 2013  

image by Neon Tommy

If you have a connection to the internet, you’ve heard about Manti Te’o and the insane level of commitment he invested in lying about his fake girlfriend (and her subsequent “death”). Last night, the twitterverse exploded, the blogosphere erupted, facebook was facebook; everyone had an opinion about the Notre Dame linebacker and the ridiculous fallacy he created, nurtured, and propagated. It’s been a day and now the same lines are being regurgitated over and over again, “How could he have lived this lie!” we shout, “The catholics are used to insisting a relationship DIDN’T occur. This is new territory.” Jeremy Smith (@JeremyInK on twitter) says. Now we are forced to sort through the catfishesque wreckage and figure out what kind of implications this has for both fans of college football and people who have been lying about their imaginary girlfriends who live across the country alike. Here are three that I am certainly almost positive will happen.

More so than it already is encouraged, college athletes will be advised never, ever to disclose personal information.

While there are a lot of guys on college teams who are great people with a pristine moral compass and intelligence to boot, there are also a lot of guys who are on their respective teams because they have the uncanny ability to do something to an inflated bladder than no one else in the country can. Because this unique skill set does not demand reasonability and personal foresight, we can expect that, for a while at least, we won’t see many Heisman candidates or future NBA 1 round draft picks spouting off to the media about their personal life. It has happened before, especially in professional sports (just look up what 2012’s second most retweeted tweet was), but now with Manti Te’o embarrassing not only himself but every Catholic and Hawaiian in the world, don’t be surprised if some more oppressive college sports programs demand that their athletes give-up any social media privileges.

When people make up imaginary girlfriends they have who live across the country, they are going to stop conveniently killing them off with car crashes/leukemia.

There was a collective “OH GOD, NO!” from all the guys in the world who have ever used the “yeah, I’ve got a GF, she’s a super-babe, she just goes to school across the country” line. Up until now, these guys could just be like “Karen got in a car crash then got leukemia and died”  whenever they needed to get rid of her/take a drunk girl home from the bar but Manti, the giant mormon psychopath from South Bend who said the same thing, ruined it. Much like the entire country who actually believed this ridiculous lie for over a month (thanks deadspin.com for outing him), the friends of guys who would say this were often too apathetic to actually do any research, but now that a paradigm has been put in place, you guys who’ve been using this formula are screwed.

 

Notre Dame Football is going to regain their seat as the best college football team who can’t win more than 7 games in a season.

The Fighting Irish was so close! The 2012 season really put them in a position to return to power (you know what I’m talking about mid-80s to mid-90s), but, between getting metaphorically stuffed into a blender and turned into a gold and green bisque and your star player/Heisman hopeful/face of your program turns out to be a guy who lied to the country about the death of a fictional lover solely for personal gain, it’s not looking good for Touchdown Jesus.

 

 

Walter Blake Knoblock By  -    
Walter Blake Knoblock is a lot of things. Follow him on twitter @WBKnoblock and on