How Michael Jordan Really Stacks Up
As Michael Jordan turned 50 this weekend, talks of who the best basketball player ever was are rekindled. Personally, I am of the understanding that, while LeBron James may be the best player currently, he is not on the same echelon of overall greatness as His Airness. But this isn’t an article about that, I’ll leave those debates to the professionals (I’m looking at you, Skip Bayless, you contrarian hack), this is an article about how Jordan stacks up against other icons, not just those who have graced the hardwood.
Michael Jordan vs. John F. Kennedy
Considered arguably the most charismatic president and definitively the most catholic, JFK would immediately have Mike on the ropes. Tossing our free pairs of fruit-of-the-loom undies can only get you so far, and I don’t think Marilyn would have gone for that single gold hoop. That being said, Michael Jordan is also much stronger and faster than JFK, traits that would prove to even the playing field after Kennedy’s initial PR-inspired head start. This comes down to longevity. MJ has already surpassed Mr. President by 4 years, and doesn’t seem to be slowing down.
Bottom Line: Michael Jordan wins this one, but only barely.
Michael Jordan vs. Mark Twain
Mark Twain, born Samuel Langhorne Clemens, was a media icon during his heyday, sharing the same notoriety Michael Jordan enjoyed during his reign over the cagers. While Jordan was respected for his skills on the court, Twain was revered for his ability to artfully craft words together, both on paper and vocally, to create highly involved stories. This is where the two would do battle- could Mark Twain disrupt MJ’s flow through his elocutionary steamtrain? Or would Jordan’s legendary focus allow him to ignore the author’s wit? I think so.
Bottom Line: Mark Twains bows out due to exhaustion after an 18-hour satirical polemic on modern day gun rights proves ineffective.
Michael Jordan vs. Master Blaster
This is where number 23 would begin to falter. Although his impressive quickness and wingspan would be integral in ensuring his previous victories, he will be physically outmatched in his altercation with the fictional character from the 1985 post-apocalyptic adventure film Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Master Blaster, a crude combination consisting of one goliath nimrod and one vertically stunted genius, are vastly superior in both mind and body individually, but when combined, become an almost unbeatable entity. This battle will be close, and eventually decided by how on-par Jordans three point game is. A career 32.7% shooter from beyond the arc, this should be a contest worth TiVoing.
Bottom Line: MJ wins this one, but only barely. Master Blaster is thrown to the rabid crowd and promptly ripped apart by the heaving masses.
Michael Jordan vs. Socrates
The father of wearing baggy shorts on the court vs. the father of ethics- the match-up we’ve been waiting for! Skeletal records indicate that this toga wearing revolutionary was most likely much shorter than Michael Jordan, and, if I know nerds like I think I know nerds, he was probably horrible at sports. Obviously, MJ would have his way with the little, bearded Athenian, but would his superb account of human ethical behavior allow him to overtake his athletic adversary? Ellin Nordgen, Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, said that he’s the sole reason her husband decided to sleep with upwards of 15 strange women. Doesn’t sound very ethical to me. Jordan has also allegedly paid a mistress a quarter of a million dollars to keep quiet about their relationship- something that essentially is defacto prostitution.
Bottom Line: Socrates ethical might forces MJ into a deeply embarrassed coma, rendering his physical prowess moot. Socrates Wins.
Michael Jordan vs. The Egyptian Sun God, Ra
By the Fifth Dynasty, Ra was understood to be the most powerful and widely-worshipped deity in Egypt. However, Jordan has won 6 NBA Championships. I’m not trying to put ancient Egypt down, but I doubt kids where running around wearing Ra jerseys and I don’t think anybody got stabbed in a back alley by some thugs who wanted their Sungod Airmax 95s. That being said, I also don’t think that Michael Jordan had the power to make the sun rise, link the living realm to the under world, etc..
Bottom Line: Jordan gets a better reception from the fans, causing the mercurial to smite him, raining balls of fire from the heavens onto the new city of Chica’go and charring the North Carolina grads mortal body.