Humor, Travel & Food

Fantasy War League- Mock Draft

22 Jun , 2013  

Fantasy War League- Mock Draft

If getting all my news through Facebook has taught me anything, it’s that global war is likely to break out any minute. Now, the opposing sides of this (final) conflict are likely to be based on a number of political, cultural, and strategic factors.

Ugh. Yawnsville.

So, since Fantasy Football is pretty fun and human suffering is a game, let’s break down the top picks in the World War III Fantasy draft!

United States of America- Once the consensus number 1 pick on everyone’s draft board, the 1990’s Chicago Bulls of countries’ reputation has begun to slip as of late. Some have said that America has lost the competitive edge of its glory days and that the Asian League Champion, China, is poised to take over as the preeminent force in Major League War.

These writers seem to be forgetting that this isn’t a weight-loss competition or a reading competition, it’s a blowing-crap up competition. And while the Chinese may have invented explosions in the 7th century, America has been perfecting giant balls of fire since the 1940’s. For the love of God (OUR GOD), the US military has lasers that can shoot down missiles. Some of the more freethinking observers contend that Buzz Aldrin weaponized the Moon in 1969. Sorry, that might not be clear. What I mean to say is that some people think Buzz Aldrin turned the Moon into a giant death ray turret. The thing is, that’s the kind of thing America would do. I mean, when was the last time Americans went somewhere new and didn’t set up a military base? Oh, and as the hippies are so fond of ranting about, we have armed, remote-controlled flying robots now.

This should be the number one draft pick in any and all leagues. Hands down. Seriously, draft them. If you don’t you’re gonna have half a dozen angry NSA agents questioning you about that one time you googled “how to get high” when you were 16.


China- Patriotic bullshit aside, China is the clear number 2 pick here. The reason it’s not number one? The same reason the US has been able to thrive from even it’s early stages; geography. China shares borders and a continent with 2 of the heaviest hitters in the game; Russia and India. While the US has the goddamn Atlantic and Pacific oceans playing help defense, China has lines in dirt separating it from 2 high powered offenses, armed to the ear-hair with nuclear weapons.

Having said that, anyone with the second pick would be a fool to go in any direction but China. I mean, they’ve still got a pro-level GDP, the largest population on Earth, and nuclear fission attached to rockets.

Insider info: Due to the One Child policy, a big chunk of China’s population is male, single, frustrated, horny, and likely to remain so. An Earth-shattering war is just what the doctor ordered.


Russia- While the first two picks of the draft could (wrongly) go either way, the third pick is fairly certain: it’s Russia. Though this program isn’t the perennial contender it once was, the Ruski’s are not to be discounted when it comes to apocalyptic wars. They’ve got an essentially un-conquerable amount of land, a tradition of surviving things that normal people would rather kill themselves than face, and a bizarre tendency to periodically find several billion dollars worth of a random commodity.

Huh, I could swear that there’s something I’m forgetting…..Oh yeah, enough nuclear weapons to blow up the Sun.  Watch out for these guys late; they’re poised to pull out an upset.

India- On paper, India is a top 5 team. The second largest population on Earth, a burgeoning economy, and nuclear capability. But in the words of Lee Corso, “Not so fast, my friend!” They’re in the toughest division by far (Asia), and analysts question whether India has the infrastructure to mobilize their population effectively. Think of it this way-  it’s pretty hard to run a 40-yard dash when you’re knee deep in human excrement. More concerning still is their proximity to  the other nuclear power on the subcontinent; Pakistan. These 2 programs have a fierce rivalry that’s threatening to go nuclear even without a planet-wide conflict.

The only benefit to drafting India would be to keep it out of the hands of a China-based squad. Otherwise, India will likely cause owners more headaches than it’s worth.

Germany– Germany has slipped in the eyes of many analysts, but don’t be put off; this is a country to worth snapping up.

After the last World War, many started to question the team’s will to win, and of course, Germany has had some pretty damaging off-the-field issues. They seem to have cleaned up their act though. They bring a dominating economy to the table, anchored by manufacturing, the cornerstone of any championship caliber economy. Barring some draft day wheeling and dealing, the Western Europe division is unlikely to be held by any one owner. If you’re looking for a foothold in that theater, few will do better than the birthplace of Volkswagon.

Germany will make for a valuable complimentary  star on the right team, especially if that Arena Football Leaguesque EU pulls a Charles Barkley and collapses under it’s own weight.

France Another prestigious European program that’s being undervalued by analysts. Some observers believe that the French have an attitude problem- that they lack the competitive edge to win. These concerns have been largely overblown. While recent outings have been lack-luster, the French have a long pedigree in this game. Their heyday, of course, came under Coach Bonaparte, when France was won the European and World Championships (in the same year!) Some have questioned whether the 2 titles are warranted, as Europeans at the time generally didn’t think of people from other continents as sentient, but I didn’t seem the Zulu Putting up much of a fuss when good ole’ Napoleon proclaimed himself king of the World.

While not quite the fiscal juggernaut of their traditional rivals, the Germans, the French have a strong economy, and dominate the geography of the European division and, lest we forget, nuclear weapons/ the means to use them. This fact alone makes France the team to beat in mainland Europe.

Mexico- This is a relatively minor squad that is nonetheless likely to start a bidding war. Look for Mexico to find a home in one of the major contingents, either as a staging point for a North American invasion, or as a barrier against the same. Also note the badass eagle eatting the shit out of that snake. Do you want to mess with a country who openly endorses carnage? NO MAS, SENOR, NO MAS!

Insider info: Mexico is the world’s leading producer of methamphetamine. Hey, no one said war was pretty.

Brazil- This South American power has been climbing the rankings for years now. With a large population, natural resources galore, and a growing economy, they are the dominant force in the oft-forgotten South American division. In fact, it’s this divisional weakness that is Brazil’s greatest strength. Brazil lies is one of the least “target rich” areas in the world. With East Asia, the Middle East, Western Europe, and California all likely to be hotly contested, South America barely edges out Sub-Saharan Africa and the polar ice caps on the atomic bomb priority list.

UPDATE: Recent protests in Brazil over the country’s abundant spending in preparation for the World Cup have left us wondering, if this country can even coordinate a decent riot, how will they defend themselves when when the Cossacks storm the Eastern coast?!?

Vietnam- While Vietnam certainly won’t win you the war, nobody wants to play these defensive and special teams specialists late in the game. This is a solid value pick for the later rounds. If you’re in a league that gives points to defense, consider Vietnam this year’s dark horse.

Note: Afghanistan may be able to play a similar role. Keep a close eye on the local military post-US pullout.

North Korea-  I mean, what if they’re not completely full of shit, and they actually are the greatest nation on Earth? You never know, Kim Jong-Un may just be the greatest con-man alive. May be worth taking a flier in the later rounds. Might not. Who knows, it isn’t like Fiji is making a compelling case for a spot on your roster.

, , , ,

Paul Alexander By
Paul has a full beard and wears your grandfather's shirts. And no matter how much he would enjoy it, no one will ever mistake him for Paul Newman. He's dead. Follow him on twitter @PaulAlexander90