nero vs attila the hun

Humor

Attila the Hun vs Emperor Nero

2 Mar , 2014  

Every once in a while Paul and I debate stuff. This time we’re debating who is more badass, Attila the Hun vs Emperor Nero.

nero vs attila the hun

ATTILA THE HUN

Most debates have two sides. This is not one of them. Attila the Hun was one of the greatest conquerors in recorded human history. Emperor Nero’s most famous accomplishment is completely screwing up everything he touched. I mean, just look at this guy.

emperor nero

It’s important to bear in mind that, at the time this bust was sculpted, this man was the single most powerful person that the artist could ever conceive of, and he still made him look like that. He literally could not be a bigger beneficiary of doubt, and yet the permanent record of his face looks like an effeminate draft animal.

And yet, somehow, Attila’s awesome outstrips Nero’s suck. The people who he hadn’t yet annihilated gave Attila the nickname “The Scourge of God”. I dare you to name any five nicknames combined that are that badass.  Ever wonder how “Hun”gary got its name? Those quotation marks should give you a hint. Still don’t believe that Attila would beat the hell out of Nero? Take a look at this map.

attila the hun empire

That’s Attila’s empire at its height. You notice how unreasonably huge an empire that is for someone to have conquered on horseback? For comparison, here’s Hitler’s empire at its zenith.

Now, every person ever is better than Hitler. The thing about Attila the Hun is, he was better than Hitler, in the way that Hitler would want to be measured.

Speaking of Germans, during the First World War, American propaganda branded the German army as “Huns”. They did so because calling an enemy “Huns” implies that, unless something is done, they are poised to completely and utterly overrun the civilized world.

Now, it’s not in my nature to level personal attacks in order to win an argument. However, there are certain facts that I feel need to be brought to light:

Blake, the other author of this article, is not a good person. He is a bad person. He may, in fact, be the worst person alive today. I have seen Blake give candy to babies, strictly so that he can then take it away from them. When a young Blake’s mother explained to him the concept of Hell, Blake responded by accusing Lucifer of stealing his idea. Blake thinks that The Beatles are just okay. If there has been a bigger affront to the fundamental decency of  human nature ever to walk this earth, then I am not familiar with it. Biblical scholars have theorized the Blake’s existence is a trial, set forth by The Almighty, to see if Man can maintain some semblance of hope in the face of pure, despondent, slothful, malice.

NERO

I’m going to say one thing about Nero– he was a bad mamma jamma. He was a bad mamma jamma who ruled the ancient Roman Empire and didn’t give a hell about anybody who stood in his way. Plus he rocked a sick neck beard and looked like an ancient Roman version of Ringo Starr (Paul, you lying piece of crap, I do like The Beatles), so I ask you, my friends, how is Attila the Hun better than him?

What did Attila the Hun do? Have Hungary named after him? As far as I’m concerned, the only way the existence of Hungary has ever added to world posterity is by allowing us to make those “I’m Hungary for some Turkey” t-shirts. Hilarious? Yes. But worthy of proving that you could beat a guy in a fight who burnt down a city in his own empire just because he wanted more room for his palace? I think not. And it’s not like he burnt down this city and ran away, he performed one of the largest acts of arson IN HISTORY and then got up on a hill and started singing and playing the lyre. Like, dude did not only not care if people knew he did it, he wanted them to know. He was like “yeah man, I burnt down your city, what are you gonna do about it, I’m fucking Emperor Nero”.

Attila the Hun was like 4 feet feet tall and immortalized in a Disney movie. You know who else was short and in a Disney movie? Emperor Cuzco from the Emperor’s New Groove, and you know who played him? David Spade. Find a less intimidating person that David Spade. David Spade has made millions and millions of dollars as branding himself as an intolerable human wart– how is Attila the Hun any different than that? To be honest, I don’t see a difference at all.

Attila killed people, big whoop, Nero killed some people (including his own mother), too, but you know what else he did? He made people kill themselves. Nero was so badass he couldn’t be troubled to end your life by his own hands, but, by golly, you were gonna die some how. So he made you kill yourself. Does he like your wife who is 35 years younger than him? Kill yo’self. Does he think you’re considering planning a meeting where you will potentially discuss the possibilities of forming an opposition to his rule? KILL YO SELF. If Atilla the Hun told me to kill myself, I’d be like “you died of a bloody nose, stfu” and then he’d go ride his horse off and cry to his stupid Mongolian friends.

I know Paul is going to try to convince you to listen to him, but you shouldn’t, you know why? Because I heard Paul is the President of the KBPWYST club. That stands for “Kick Blind People With You See Them”, in case you didn’t know. It’s a terrible club where its members go out of their way to kick blind people when they see them, and Paul is the president! I saw Paul spit in a kid’s taco once and when the kid was “why’d you do that, mister?” he was like “because I fricken hate you”. The worst part? Paul didn’t even know him. It was just a random act of spit violence. If Paul would go so far as to ruin these people lives, what makes you think he wouldn’t do the same by filling your mind with Attila the Huncentric lies? Nothing. The answer is nothing.

Who do you think won? Post a comment with who you think was more badass!

If you liked Attila the Hun vs Emperor Nero, see our last debate, Pancakes vs Waffles.

,

Walter Blake Knoblock By  -    
Walter Blake Knoblock is a lot of things. Follow him on twitter @WBKnoblock and on