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A Man’s Man’s Guide to One Direction

24 Jan , 2013  

Sorry, trolls. This is not a one-sentence-article calling One Direction “a bunch of wankers.”

Rather, this is one man’s man- the kind of dudes who want Ron Swanson’s mustachioed man-skills and Ryan Gosling’s wardrobe; dudes who hit half-mast when they saw Daniel Craig use a straight-edge razor – to another, respectfully saying that Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis deserve your attention. Despite their median age of 19.4 years old.

Let’s do a quick exercise to get us in the mood. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Like, a bracing-for-your-soul-to-weep deep breath. Now look at their lives. Now look at yours. Now look at how the majority of women/gay men react to their image. Now look at how the majority of women/gay men react to your image. Now imagine their bank account. Now look at your own.

Take a moment to mutter Yo, respec’ and get over yourself. They’re doing something right.

That being said, I give unto you a Man’s Man’s Guide to One Direction:

1. Stop purposefully not knowing about them. The last thing you need is to go on a date with Becky and Jenna (because you’re a real man and no one woman who can handle you) and they’re all chatting about 1D (not yours) and Jenna’s like, “OMG I can’t believe Casey didn’t know about Zayn Malik’s ice-cream swirl hair,” and Becky’s all like, “Yeah, there’s no way we are both going to make-out with him now” and in your head you’re like ONE DIRECTION SUCKS!” but One Direction isn’t the one who sucks, you’re the one who sucks.

POINT BEING: It’s basically always cool (or at least acceptable) to be familiar with pop culture — it impresses girls, fuels mindless conversation, fuels stimulating conversation. Look, when given the option of being ignorantly opinionated on a topic or intelligent on a topic, a man’s man picks intelligence.

2) Pay attention to Harry Styles. He’s their lead man. He broke up with John Mayer’s ex-girlfriend (That’s Taylor Swift. Read the news, fool.) because she was too “sexually uninteresting.” He’s got style. He’s a world icon and is, like, way cooler than Justin Bieber.

3) Know that a reality television show brought them together. Like, are you serious? Each tried out individually and failed. Then Simon Cowell (WHO HATES EVERYONE BUT THEM) put them in a room together for five weeks and they blew up the freaking galaxy as a team. That’s awesome. Granted, I don’t know in what way that’s awesome, but it is. (Manly sorority snaps would be appropriate right now.)

4) Find a reason to feign interest. These guys are everywhere. I mean everywhere. Even if you hate One Direction, you can still love them in an ironic sense because Blink-182 made fun of them before they existed.

5) Last but not least, you can literally always use this joke: “One Direction? More like ONE ERECTION!!!” (Hahaha get it? Because it’s hilarious and I thought of it and I’m dying to tell everyone but don’t even THINK of telling it without giving me credit first.)

 

 

We live in a society where hating everything generally translates to acceptance — AKA the laziest kind of society. Seriously. An appropriately-timed eye-roll goes a long way toward making people think you’re chill or whatever, but that’s the easy way out and a man’s man doesn’t take the easy way out. A man’s man knows what he’s talking about or he shuts the hell up.

If nothing else, go ye merrily into the world with this new-found One Direction guidance because, let’s face it, the world would get rid of you before it got rid of One Direction so it’s just freaking survival.

 

Sincerely,

No. 1 Man’s Man

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I'm significantly fewer things than Walter Blake Knoblock. If you like him, follow me on Twitter @numbr1mansman. If you don't like him, follow me on Twitter @numbr1mansman.