5 Relationship Strategies For People Who Don’t Know Any Better

11 Feb , 2013  

Recently, some dipshit on this website named Walter offered up some advice on how to go about asking a girl on a first date.

And despite me calling him a dipshit just now, he did a pretty darn good job. But, there’s a lot more to forming a successful relationship than the first date. Most people are willing to risk an hour or so to see what you’re like. The really tricky part of a relationship is the time right after the first date. You’re wondering; what this is going to turn into? What’s the next step? Did they notice that you just threw up in your mouth a little? All valid questions. Luckily for you, I’m some random dude on the internet, and I can solve all of your problems in the next ten minutes.

Offer Them Money In Exchange For Sex

This maneuver may seem a bit extreme, but it’s really an invaluable screening tool. And despite what you might think, you’re setting up a win-win situation for yourself here.

Option 1, they say “No”: Congratulations! The person you’re considering pursuing a relationship with is not a prostitute. When asked what the most important quality is in a potential mate, people frequently throw out “sense of humor”, “intelligence”,  or even just “physical appearance”. All of these are valid criteria, but #1 on every person’s checklist for a romantic partner really should be “not a hooker”. Now that you know that this person’s body is not for rent, you simply explain the true purpose of your proposition, and watch as they swoon over your cleverness and discerning nature.

Option 2, they say “Yes”: Congratulations, you’ve avoided dating a hooker! Not only that, but you’ve made a fun and interesting new friend. You know who has a lot of good stories? Hookers. And if you’re anything like me, you’re more than willing to trade a little existential horror in exchange for not being bored. What’s that? You don’t want to be friends with a prostitute? Well who the hell are you to judge? Sex-workers are people too! What is this, the 1950’s? You need to get your act together fella.


Take Your Shirt Off

In any healthy relationship, there’s one person who utterly dominates the other. It’s simple biology, and Mother Nature gives us innumerable examples of the principal. Male lions have the utterly fabulous hair and female seahorses force the male to carry the sea-foal to term; any question who is in charge there?

In my experience, the best way to assert your superiority in any social situation is through an exhibition of what some would call fool-hardy confidence. And nothing, and I mean nothing, shows confidence like whipping your shirt off in an unexpected time and place. In one swift move, you shout to the world, “look at my secondary sex characteristics!” (chest hair or boobs, as the case may be) and “I am strong enough to survive the harsh elements!”.  If that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is.


Get Hammered

If, for whatever reason taking your shirt off isn’t an option (you’re near an elementary school/at a funeral/suffer from crippling insecurities), there are other ways to show your intended that you are worthy of their subservience. The best of these options is getting ridiculously, preposterously, irresponsibly shit-faced. Nobody likes a light-weight, and, according to my old college RA, your tolerance for alcohol is directly correlated with your ability to produce viable offspring. I still maintain that he didn’t deserve to be fired like he was.

As an added bonus, lowering your inhibitions with rum and cokes allows you to be your true self, the real you, the guy without all those silly impediments like thought, common decency, and awareness of how loud you are yelling. Expressing feelings is a struggle for many, so the best strategy is to just unload everything in one poorly spelled text message.


Don’t Talk to Them

If situational comedy has taught me anything, (and now that I think of it, it’s probably taught me too much), it’s that almost all conflict between men and women comes from something that someone said. Here’s a solution: just stop talking to each other. Boom! Solved that shit! Bet you wished you thought of that, you big dummy. If neither of you says anything to piss the other person off, then you’ll both be super happy by default. No longer will you have to worry about reacting to the other person’s problems correctly; you won’t even know what their problems are. Every issue is nipped in the bud.

And seriously, do you really think that you have anything to contribute to a conversation? Seeing as you’re looking to me for relationship advice, I’m going to go ahead and give a tentative “no” on that one. You’ll be amazed how much simpler things are when you and your significant other are just sitting around silently.

“Communication” my ass.

Stay Off the Horse

Look, if you’ve tried all of these strategies, and you still haven’t found the love of your life, it might just be time to give up. They say that when you fall off a horse, you should get right back on, but horses are really big, and they tend to shit a lot. I recommend trying one of the other members of the metaphor kingdom; like fish. Apparently there’s a bunch of them in the sea, and none of them kick you in the teeth.

Seriously, horses are huge, stubborn, and worst of all, somewhat sentient. They’ve got all these needs and desires of there own, and frankly, that seems like kind of a hassle. Salmon, on the other hand, are high in protein, and they’re pretty much just mindless reproducing machines. That seems like more your speed. Plus, you’re already friends with a bunch of prostitutes from earlier. You’ve done most the leg work already!



Suck it, Dr. Phil.

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Paul Alexander By
Paul has a full beard and wears your grandfather's shirts. And no matter how much he would enjoy it, no one will ever mistake him for Paul Newman. He's dead. Follow him on twitter @PaulAlexander90