The internet is seemingly omnipresent. It has connected me to the world but, at the same time, kept me chained to my room and its savory wifi. I’ve been able to get a brief taste of what people from all around the country are like without actually going to their respective cities to see how they live and, because of that, I’ve been provoked into building up gross stereotypes that, in my mind, perfectly describe (as all stereotypes do) you and your fellow denizens. Tell me these aren’t true. I dare you. Here are 10 Assumptions I Will Make About You Based on the City You Are From.
So you’re from New York. I know that doesn’t do much because NYC is an enormous city that consists of hundreds of unique neighborhoods each with their own individual taste, but if you’re in your twenties and from New York and I’m talking to you, it basically means one thing to me: you’re a starving artist/comedian/actor who moved to the city to catch your break and live in some over-priced apartment in Brooklyn and are going to send me goddam snapchats of your Sunday brunch crepes like I care that you paid $12 for a skinny pancake. Oh, you do open mics? Thanks for sending me Facebook invites to all of them, I will surely make the 800 mile trek to hear you do three minutes on how you’re an awkward white girl who likes sex but no one thinks that because of all the cardigans you wear. But at least you’re trying to make something of yourself and I respect that. Nobody pays $1500 dollars a month to live in a glorified closet just because.
Maybe New York was too intellectual for you but you still wanted to pursue a career in the spotlight. Or maybe you were just too pretty to be cooped away inside some struggling MFA grad’s improv class he runs out of the back of a coffee shop/community theater. Whatever it is, you chose to go westward and take up residence in the City of Angels! You are vapid and baseless, everyone you know is trying to exploit you, and you’re going to tell me how much you don’t miss winter even though you know it’s -30 where I live in Detroit. It’s great news that you did a digital commercial for a Korean shoe company, but even better that you were unaware it was actually Asian YouTube fetish porn. However, you live somewhere where the sun shines year round and I will be eternally jealous.
Now we’re really digging deep. With NYC and LA out, the only people left in Chicago are the one’s who needed to get out of their hometown but knew they couldn’t “make it”. If you went to college, you work in advertising or sales or are an account manager from some marketing firm that makes hundreds of thousands of dollars off your cold calling. If you didn’t go to college, you are waiting tables somewhere or maybe work for Uber driving around people from the former category who only seem like they make more money than you. “But downtown is great!” you’ll tell me, and it really is. At least you’ve got that going for you.
You go to church and live in constant fear of tornadoes. Rent is laughably cheap and you love college football.
“Let me guess, you’re gonna say something about Macklemore” you snidely think. You do that a lot because. Think snidely, I mean. You’ve probably got plans to move to California once you get your career established and, compared to people from the first four cities, probably have more of your life together (if only because the dreary weather encourage you to stay inside and contemplate your existence). Also, you’re going to tell me that you’ve been using sriracha on everything for “like 8 years”. Coincidentally, you have and I will never admit that you’re the person who actually turned me on to it.
God, stop trying to sell me cocaine. I don’t want your cocaine and I don’t care who your uncle is. Same thing about LA and the sunshine.
When you tell people where you’re from, you always say “Raleigh, North Carolina” despite the fact that the metropolitan area boasts over 1 million people because nobody actually associates Raleigh with anything particular so you have to add the “North Carolina” on the end just to give it some substance. I really, really, really wish you got why I keep singing Petey Pablo’s “Raise Up” whenever I’m around you but you don’t because you are a corporate slave who got better grades than me in college and immediately got a good job out of college.
Hey, you’re like me and live in Detroit. Either that, or you’re DEFINITELY not like me and live in Detroit. What I’m trying to say is that either you are inexperienced and naive/moved to the city for some sort of opportunity to work in a tech start-up that will probably fail in 6 months, or you are not one of those people and you disdainfully look down upon them for trying to steal your city even though their tax revenue/consumer power is what is pulling it from the heap of shit it has been wallowing in for the past forty years.
I’m going to make fun of you for being the city that Drake came from and you’ll still be the one that ends up apologizing. Also you pay way too much for liquor but have no idea because you can afford it since the entire city populous is somehow employed, sustaining a country’s economy that seems to be dependent upon hockey and novelty foods.
Have fun getting drunk literally every day of your life.